As of recent, I've been keeping myself busy with school. The trivial nuisances of daily life have kept me relatively happy, although I feel the depression creeping back in.
I cannot allow myself to be happy. The smiling faces I surround myself with keep me okay in the moment, but amongst myself my only friend is the moon.
I still haven't figured out whether or not God is real, whether I'm a boy or a girl, whether I know calculus or not. It seems that lying to yourself is the only way to live, according to others' seemingly effortless ability to be happy despite their delusions.
Besides wallowing, I've been keeping busy reading. I'm working through some of the writings of Winston Churchill, and I think I'll probably read Harry Potter next for a break. I like to keep verbose notes on everything I read, because I dread losing any details. A lot of people seem to be divided on annotating books, some see it as homework, others see it as a sort of meditation. I'm somewhere in between. I have difficulty grasping any of the concepts from what I've read, even as I've just read it, and taking notes seems to work better for me.
Plus it gives me some practice for doing just that in school. We're called to analyze texts in English class and all of that, and it turns out it's actually a valuable skill.
I might pick up a TV show to watch as well, because I'm deeply afraid of dead air in my free time. Among my list of possible shows are: Sex and the City, The Oblongs, and I Love Lucy. I believe I'll probably take notes on those too, just to keep me entertained, and also to drive people away with my obsessive facts about Creepy Susie.
I've also been into watching baseball games as well. Following the current Pope, my favorite team is the White Sox. Sometimes I'll watch recent games, sometimes I'll watch some old ones from the 90s. It keeps me entertained.