Tryin' to make believe I'm you"
Oingo Boingo, "On The Outside"
In my unending battle to make things more difficult for myself, I've decided to make some friends. Through winning over their affection with cookies, I've fuond a nice bit of meaning for myself and some companionship. I've also found Oingo Boingo and it's my favorite band right now.
Being a minority within a minority, the odds are almost always stacked against me. Although I've changed so much since even six months ago, it can be difficult to remember my successful efforts when confronted with my trivial confusions.
As a Catholic person, I'm often met with misconceptions and judgements. It's scary to talk to non-Catholics, which happens to be the crushing majority of my school. I try not to bring up religion even, because it's that frightening and I'm worried I'll just be pushed away.
I don't hate gay people.[1] I don't hate trans people. In fact, I don't exactly hate anyone. At the heart of the Gospels, the literal core of the entire religion, is love. If you strip away all the spiritual stuff, it's a guy breaking some existing traditions to help people. If someone's main idea of a "Christian" is a radical conservative, then it's my job to change that. At the very least, I want them to think of me instead. Think of all the times I could have just cursed at them instead of listening.
If you're not struggling to imitate Christ, you are not doing it right. Being a Christian is the most difficult thing you could be called to do, because it goes against what everyone around you is doing. But you still do it, because you want to believe in it.
I don't have a shred of evidence for the existence of God. Aquinas' work, as well as the other saints', never did much for me. I just really want to believe in God, and that's all I have.