Ecce Homo

April 18th, 2026 by Basil

I'm very sorry. I am wide awake in this hell with no directions, dimensions or a compass. Even my vices have turned against me and they only remind me of my sins. I have given up on this life, and am ready to die. Here will lie my body, at rest of its wretched existence.

Behold the man! This is the state of man, truly, I tell you. It is here which lies the evidence for original sin, and for Satan himself. But I ask you, what is to be done? Should we continue to walk the way of destruction, or the way of goodness? I am not insane, not yet, not more. For see, perhaps those who are too sure of themselves belong in the asylums. Maybe, or maybe everyone does. But not me, I tell you, because I have found the way out, and it is not the way of destruction. It will not lead us to the asylums, and it will lead us not to the jails or prisons or gutters, but to the Way of the Lord. You will find yourself in jails, prisons, and gutters on your way there, I assure you. Sometimes these are the most comfortable places you can find yourself, because having nothing will remind you of who breathed life into, and who gave you such a profound purpose. The Kingdom of God is at hand, and it is waiting for you. But it will not wait a moment too long, I promise you. It is here, and it is there where you will find rest, at last. There is no other way to salvation but through the Church, and nothing could bring you happiness, no, fulfillment like the Church. She loves us, and all we must do is love her too, and we will be saved. And to love her, we must love Him, our Lord. He came to us many years ago as a poor man, just like the rest of us, and taught us how to become kings.

He told us that the way will be narrow and difficult, but why would this matter when you know what you're going towards? Surely those long walks through the February rain at night, anger filling your mind and soul, that kept you going? Imagine that drive but towards something far better. I am telling you, this is the way to Heaven. When you realize what is at hand, you will not worry a moment about how you will get there. You will lose your mind, give up many, many, many things. You will carry your cross to the ends of the earth, and you will not even once think to give up. But you will not daydream, you will keep in your mind the pain you are in, and how Christ felt these things too, for you are becoming like him. He had became man to show man how to be like Him. Why would you ever give up on he who saved you, knowing even what you were capable of, and even what you would do?

"Jesus answered, and said to him: Amen, amen I say to thee, unless a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. Nicodemus saith to him: How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter a second time into his mother's womb, and be born again? Jesus answered: Amen, amen I say to thee, unless a man be born again of water and the Holy Ghost, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God." -- (John 3:3-5, Douay-Rheims Version)

It appears obvious to me now that anything worth depending on should not be of this world. Why would I settle for anything less than the sum of all good things?¹ Well, I have been given a chance in place of all of my worldly pleasures and objects. This is the chance to make things right, and so I will, for I am far too tired of going against the Way of the Lord and falling down repeatedly.

I beg of you, dear reader, my closest friend in the ephemeral moment we share, please have mercy on me. There exists these small mercies in our world, all around us, at every given moment. But they are hidden, and eventually they will find you and you will fall to your knees and weep and scream in the joyous and unbearable pain that is bestowed upon you; it is Happiness.

For I have hurt those who dared to be merciful to me. What is this but proof that my life is terrible? No one could ever settle for something like this when they are aware that better options exist. If you are reading this, you will know who I am talking to. I am talking to everyone who has been here or who is concerning themselves with this area for any reason. But I am writing to two: those, and the one whom I have hurt the most. I do not understand you, for I do not yet understand myself. Could it be so simple? If I had committed the least to my virtues, I would have spared myself this very moment. It is true, even in the darkest parts of my life, the greatness that awaits in the near future makes it worth the struggle and eventual triumph, no matter how long it might take.

I say to you: how are you doing? What are you doing? And why must you do it? If your answer is not goodness, why would you bother continuing this life? I beg of you, again, dearest friend, please deny yourself and follow us together. Please do not feel pressured to convert or to give up on everything, but remind yourself of what you really need in this life.

For many weeks leading up to now, I had prayed to lose everything. All of my riches and material things, and the Lord must have answered my prayer. But He, knowing all and far more, knew what I was truly attached to. It was not Him, nor was it love, but it was comfort. I felt comfortable taking advantage of people, hurting them, ruining their days, weeks, and years. I had done this for many years, and perhaps I was praying in my heart that it would end. The Lord takes all from you except what is necessary to follow Him.

I am certain that this is what I wanted. I paid the price of guilt and regret by hurting all who had loved me, and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. However, I am delighted that I have been lifted from my chains, I have truly lost my chains, O Lord, I have lost my chains, and I can now be attached to You, where my heart will finally find rest.

No one will want to read all of this, certainly not they whom I wish to see it. But this is me, Basil, and this is for myself most of all. Never again will I let myself fall so deep into sin, I must pick myself up and be strong enough to carry others through this world to our eternal gift. If we are to be so lucky, I would carry you in my arms first to the way of goodness and love. If ever you would forgive me, it would feel like flying.

I believe that truth, beauty and love will save the world. Before now I have done everything to combat these things, but I am surrendering to the Lord and giving up my old life for Him. I do not like this life, in fact I hate it, and I shall live his life instead. After all, it was written on my heart.

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